I have lost the will to try. I don't have the energy of fighting with my weight anymore. I want to have plastic surgery on my stomach and butt, my two insecurities. Yes, it's to take the easy way out. But I don't care. I've taken the long and hard road in so many other things. Can't I have something easy for once?
I'm not going to do surgery on little details that I'm not happy with, because then it can become an addiction and you'll ruin your appearance all together. Just stomach and butt. A breast lift if needed.
I've been thinking about plastic surgery for so many years now and it won't go away. My sister wanted to it in the beginning of her 20's, but when she was as old as I am now, she didn't care about it anymore. I still have it like an obsession. I don't want to and don't have the energy to keep fighting and fighting with weight and food anymore.
I will feel better for it and isn't that a good thing? Yes, it's expensive. But it's an investment in my self-esteem, to calm the hatred I feel for myself. I want to be able to buy new clothes without crying in the dressing-room. I want to be able to go to the gym without getting looks at my problem-areas. I want to be able to be outside without getting comments about I have to lose weight. I don't want to feel like a planet and accept what I see in the mirror.
Because of my BDD and former eating-disorders, I will never be able to see what you see. I have to rely on clothes and the scale. Because I'm smart enough to know that I won't do anything more and feel good when the clothes fit. What I see in the mirror matters less since I know it's only my imagination.